What the fuck is Sex

Yep you read it I want to know what it is cause honestly Ive fucking forgot what it is and what it feels like to have it. Nearly 2 months and nothing. I've heard once your married it dries up but I thought yeah what bullshit... Now I'm fucking convinced it's right. Ive been told its cause I'm not assertive enough and I shouldn't leave it up to him but 95% of the times I get assertive or I ask its the same old crap in my face. I'm tired, I'm not feeling well... Amazingly enough (and it has been stated to me) that if he was having sex with other women we would have sex more often.. Gee don't I feel special.. to get any sex he has to have it off with other women.. he can jerk off to porn but not me.. Oh and yeah I'm not to take it personally. Whatever. Im sorry but how can I not take it personally.

I hate so much its ripping me apart

I hate and I hate the fact I feel that.. Its ripping me apart. I hate the person who is interested in Scott he thinks the sun shines out of her arse when she is just a fucking liar like so many others.. Oh she is so perfect so open and honest oh please someone choke me with the bullshit. She is a dirty great big liar she preaches how she is open and honest yet is so contradictory it isn't even funny. She says she wants to be my friend but i'm the one that has to contact her and then she goes to Scott I can't be friends with women as they play games... Whose the one playing games now. Don't tell people you want to be friends yet do nothing to create that friendship and then go around your back and say how you can't be friends with women cause of their games.. Oh and Scott thinks she is a goddess so she is always right makes me fucking sick to my stomach. And the flirting in the emails and how he wants to impress her with quotes from Anime movie.. And then trys to spout we are only friends..Bullshit!! friends that I know don't flirt with each other. How can you both be friends when you both want more go on tell me that.. You can't it isn't possible you will always cross the line even if you don't mean to. I hate it and I wish she would just piss off and screw someone else over.. Pretend to care about me and then while i'm in hospital make a move oh yeah that is so honest and open. I hate how i'm feeling inside kill me now and spare me the pain.

Why wont death take me

This is going to sound disturbing but frankly I don't give a fuck if it does its how I feel and i'm not having anyone discredit that. I want to die. I hate life, there is nothing good in my life, there is nothing to live for and nothing worth living for. Why cant death come and take me doesn't seem like to much to ask people die everyday when will I get saved and it be my day?

Business Owners - ROFL Cafe

Scott and I are in the process of establishing a business we have an ABN and a Business Name. We are looking to setting up a Internet/Gaming cafe in Melton and I'm really scared but excited at the same time. We have been to an accountant this morning and things looked positive on that end of things we have some homework to do and I'm looking forward to getting my teeth into that :)

We are also looking at going through NEIS which will also give us a buffer financially. We both start a course on Small Business Management on July 27th which gives us a Cert 4 that will be good. I also want to sign us up for a Barista course which will be handy to know as well. That will also give us a certificate.

Foster Care

Scott and I are looking into being Foster Carers for Westcare . We have done the training and are currently going through the next stage of approval.. I am quite scared I am so hoping that this works out for us :( I want to have children so badly. We are looking at doing long term placement for babies.

A bit about me Part 2 - The here and now

Scott and I moved from Essendon and got a house formally together again since we sold the house in Canberra. I have had a Gastric Bypass by a brilliant man who has saved my life in so many ways. I have lost over 80kg and still counting :) I recently had my gall bladder out which was done by the same surgeon. I'm still in pain over that one as it is pretty fresh. Scott and I aren't really doing all that well the bedroom department is null and void and when I was in hospital having the bypass done he was chatting to a woman who I thought wanted to be our friend turns out she was interested in Scott and wanted to start something with her well boy was I pissed. So currently they are friends conversing via emails I have not started trusting her again as she also has spouted lies. The one thing that has come from all of this is the fact that I can see lies now and I just cant hack them. I don't want them in my life at all. So what am I to do. I really want Scott to be happy I just don't feel happy at all these days. I don't feel special to him even though he says loves me I just don't feel it :( I need help so bad but I don't know who to trust the Poly community is so closed everyone knows everyone. Sometimes I feel like leaving as to me Scott would be better off. God I hope doing this blog thing helps me sort out what to do and how to go about doing it. All I can say is that I feel like there is no future, no happiness in the world and no hope at happiness. I cant see a silver lining anywhere.

Questions I currently have about life

Will I ever trust Scott again?

How can I learn to trust Scott again?
Will I ever stop being a jealous person?
Why do I feel like you can love multiple people but when I come to acting on it I can't?
Why do I feel threatened by every girl that is interested in Scott?
How will this affect us if we end up having kids?
Do I want this?
Can I handle this?
Should I leave?
Why am I not good enough?
How am I supposed to be special if he loves nearly every woman he sees?
How can you love so many people is that normal? I understand a couple but nearly every person?

A bit about me Part 1 - The Past

Ok so I am what is called as fat always have been pray to god that I wont always be that way. I have always been not happy within my own skin and unhappy with the way I look especially when people heckle you and stare at you and laugh at you.. I sometimes feel like running up to them punching them in the face and then laughing at them. Do people not think that you aren't human because you aren't a size 8 (Aussie size for all you skinny Americans wearing size 2) do they think fat people don't have feelings? hell yes we freaking do you arseholes! we are just the same as you I just think we are better value as we have alot more to love :P. Anyway growing up sucked going to school sucked, getting relationships sucked until I met Scott. To say that I was hit hard is an understatement to say I thought of him as my prince charming is an understatement. He loved me in my skin no matter how fat that happened to be. He never saw it he made me feel beautiful and safe and loved for the first time in my life I felt like I mattered to someone. I don't think Ive told him that is how he made me feel, I'm not really good at talking about my feelings I tend to keep things bottled inside until they explode. Scott and I married it was the best day of my life I was on cloud nine I almost don't remember much about the day because I was so pumped on adrenaline. Not long after we moved to Canberra due to Wagga being the hole that it is and not having any opportunities for IT work. I hated Canberra and everything about it. The isolation, lack of friends, family. I had jobs though never any shortage of that happening. My depression really kicked in when I moved to Canberra and found myself losing it a bit on that front. My failure to become a mum also didn't help and then when we tried to adopt they told me I was too fat and would not be accepted as a candidate :( things for both of us went spiralling downwards from there. On the outside it looked like Scott didn't care and that hurt and bothered me but I found out later that it affected him dearly which lead him to getting close to a woman and I mean falling in love kind of close. I had suspicions and he denied it at first but came clear later on there was more than one :( I also found out that he had feelings for other women even when we were going out and thought this was normal if you didn't act on it. (which he later on did). I was devastated, my whole world crumbled I know that sounds dramatic but literally for me the world I knew was ripped out from underneath me and the feeling safe and loved and secure in my relationship fell away. He found a term on the internet called Polyamory and said he believed he was identifying as this and wanted to spend the rest of his life practicing this. At first I couldn't believe it what was wrong with me? Was it because I was fat? Did he realise that shit I could get better out there than her? Did I do something wrong? Didn't I give him enough love and attention? On the one hand I couldn't believe in this Polyamory it was cheating wasn't it just an excuse to have sex with lots of different people after all this was what was drummed into me ever since I could remember you only have one partner. On the other hand I could understand having feelings for others whilst in a relationship with another, I had had feelings for others I just never acted on them. Because I wasn't dealing well and he wanted relationships straight away and had a girl telling him that he didn't have to wait and shouldn't wait for me to catch up we decided to separate. Oh god how I was in hell. We put the house on the market and I was planning on moving to Melbourne as was Scott as his potential girlfriend was down there. Man to say she rubbed me the wrong way is another story. This is a chick who liked getting her own way and going over anyone that stood in her way no matter the consequence. I tried to commit suicide and failed rang helpline in tears and the girl said to me and I quote "Oh my god your making me feel bad" well shit like that helped me. We got a good price for the house I gave Scott most of the stuff I really didn't want anything. We split the money in half. When we moved to Melbourne cause he had no place to go he moved into my parents house. It was so hard for me in those days :( she was in constant contact begging him to hurry up and find a place to live so they could be together. As I had advised Scott that he was not to have her over at my parents house as they did not want this. This was not a good situation for Scott to be in either. My feelings of love never left for him and I never felt any anger towards him at all ever and I decided to talk to him to see if we could work it out together and for him to help me with my discovery of Polyamory. He agreed to this but was also getting alot of pressure from his other girlfriend. When I moved to my aunts in Essendon he moved down with me but because of pressure from his girlfriend about him promising to be with her when he moved to Melbourne and me not dealing fast enough with Poly and all that it entailed he left the house and I found him a place to live so that he could be with her and me at the same time. We started going to Poly discussion groups and socials when we moved to essendon not long after we moved to Melbourne and to say it was the first positive thing to have come from Poly is an understatement. They were so warm and welcoming and understanding this is completely different to how Scott's other girlfriend was treating me. Things were tense on that end and poor Scott was meat in the Sandwich because we both couldn't get along he heard it from both ends. He suffers badly from depression as well so this was not good for his emotional well being. Ok well how I felt when Scott went to his girlfriends house : betrayed, lost, confused, scared, jealous, envious, hate (not for Scott), hurt. I hated that my brain never switched off that I thought about what they were doing, if she was better than me in every department especially the sex, since she was very lets say kinky and me being a person that was sheltered was as forward in that department she had no problem sending him naked photos of herself etc telling him about bondage etc. We started seeing a poly friendly psychologist to help us work on our feelings/problems and after a few months at one of the meetings where Scott said he needed time out from both of us for a bit I said to the psychologist that I couldn't handle the relationship with his girlfriend and how it was making my life hell and I understood that he loved her and didn't want to leave and I didn't want him to do that but I was out. I couldn't emotionally deal with that crap any longer she was a two faced lying bitch who said she was poly but didn't come across as that to me. She had to know Scott's everything 24/7 and wasn't happy that she wasn't getting that. I told Scott how I felt and the fact that I couldn't handle what was going on anymore. He left for his house to have a break from both relationships and tell you that I wasn't

shit scared would be a lie. I still love him, I have yet to start trusting him again. He has lied to me so many times and kept things from me. In the end Scott left his other partner and he and I started seeing one another again.

Still unsure of what to do in a blog

I still don't really know what to do in a blog I was never the one to keep a diary or journal. I have been told it is a place to write down anything that comes to you whether it be stories, poetry, ramblings of the mind, essays whatever. I must admit freely that I always hated English at school and I was never a creative writer or any good at (stupid brain fart here can't even remember the term) if it comes to me it will probably be put in at a later time and Ill look back and hopefully remember. I think I remember it now... Comprehension. Well anyway I will just plod along with what I do and if anyone reads this and has any suggestions then feel free to drop me a line :P

Apology to myself

Ok so I know I suck at writing anything and keeping up to date with it but I guess I have to be ok with that and not put any high expectations on myself. I'm not letting anyone down if I don't write in this. It is hopefully just going to be a tool to write what I'm feeling down no matter how badly written. This will hopefully lead to me gaining better understanding of my fears, feelings, emotions and anxieties and start on a path of fixing me and creating a much happier person. If anyone is reading this then this is my explanation of why it may sound so bad. I am usually a person who apologises alot but I am not going to apologise if it makes no sense to you. Wow that sounded harsh which is not the way it was supposed to come out. If anyone wishes to ask questions on what they read or leave comments I welcome them freely but unfortunately for my own safety if there are ones that are just too negative you will most likely not receive any comment back. Not that I expect anyone will read these who reads other peoples blogs anyway? So Tash don't be too hard on yourself if you post you post and what you write no matter how small or jumbled it is obviously important to get out.