A bit about me Part 1 - The Past

Ok so I am what is called as fat always have been pray to god that I wont always be that way. I have always been not happy within my own skin and unhappy with the way I look especially when people heckle you and stare at you and laugh at you.. I sometimes feel like running up to them punching them in the face and then laughing at them. Do people not think that you aren't human because you aren't a size 8 (Aussie size for all you skinny Americans wearing size 2) do they think fat people don't have feelings? hell yes we freaking do you arseholes! we are just the same as you I just think we are better value as we have alot more to love :P. Anyway growing up sucked going to school sucked, getting relationships sucked until I met Scott. To say that I was hit hard is an understatement to say I thought of him as my prince charming is an understatement. He loved me in my skin no matter how fat that happened to be. He never saw it he made me feel beautiful and safe and loved for the first time in my life I felt like I mattered to someone. I don't think Ive told him that is how he made me feel, I'm not really good at talking about my feelings I tend to keep things bottled inside until they explode. Scott and I married it was the best day of my life I was on cloud nine I almost don't remember much about the day because I was so pumped on adrenaline. Not long after we moved to Canberra due to Wagga being the hole that it is and not having any opportunities for IT work. I hated Canberra and everything about it. The isolation, lack of friends, family. I had jobs though never any shortage of that happening. My depression really kicked in when I moved to Canberra and found myself losing it a bit on that front. My failure to become a mum also didn't help and then when we tried to adopt they told me I was too fat and would not be accepted as a candidate :( things for both of us went spiralling downwards from there. On the outside it looked like Scott didn't care and that hurt and bothered me but I found out later that it affected him dearly which lead him to getting close to a woman and I mean falling in love kind of close. I had suspicions and he denied it at first but came clear later on there was more than one :( I also found out that he had feelings for other women even when we were going out and thought this was normal if you didn't act on it. (which he later on did). I was devastated, my whole world crumbled I know that sounds dramatic but literally for me the world I knew was ripped out from underneath me and the feeling safe and loved and secure in my relationship fell away. He found a term on the internet called Polyamory and said he believed he was identifying as this and wanted to spend the rest of his life practicing this. At first I couldn't believe it what was wrong with me? Was it because I was fat? Did he realise that shit I could get better out there than her? Did I do something wrong? Didn't I give him enough love and attention? On the one hand I couldn't believe in this Polyamory it was cheating wasn't it just an excuse to have sex with lots of different people after all this was what was drummed into me ever since I could remember you only have one partner. On the other hand I could understand having feelings for others whilst in a relationship with another, I had had feelings for others I just never acted on them. Because I wasn't dealing well and he wanted relationships straight away and had a girl telling him that he didn't have to wait and shouldn't wait for me to catch up we decided to separate. Oh god how I was in hell. We put the house on the market and I was planning on moving to Melbourne as was Scott as his potential girlfriend was down there. Man to say she rubbed me the wrong way is another story. This is a chick who liked getting her own way and going over anyone that stood in her way no matter the consequence. I tried to commit suicide and failed rang helpline in tears and the girl said to me and I quote "Oh my god your making me feel bad" well shit like that helped me. We got a good price for the house I gave Scott most of the stuff I really didn't want anything. We split the money in half. When we moved to Melbourne cause he had no place to go he moved into my parents house. It was so hard for me in those days :( she was in constant contact begging him to hurry up and find a place to live so they could be together. As I had advised Scott that he was not to have her over at my parents house as they did not want this. This was not a good situation for Scott to be in either. My feelings of love never left for him and I never felt any anger towards him at all ever and I decided to talk to him to see if we could work it out together and for him to help me with my discovery of Polyamory. He agreed to this but was also getting alot of pressure from his other girlfriend. When I moved to my aunts in Essendon he moved down with me but because of pressure from his girlfriend about him promising to be with her when he moved to Melbourne and me not dealing fast enough with Poly and all that it entailed he left the house and I found him a place to live so that he could be with her and me at the same time. We started going to Poly discussion groups and socials when we moved to essendon not long after we moved to Melbourne and to say it was the first positive thing to have come from Poly is an understatement. They were so warm and welcoming and understanding this is completely different to how Scott's other girlfriend was treating me. Things were tense on that end and poor Scott was meat in the Sandwich because we both couldn't get along he heard it from both ends. He suffers badly from depression as well so this was not good for his emotional well being. Ok well how I felt when Scott went to his girlfriends house : betrayed, lost, confused, scared, jealous, envious, hate (not for Scott), hurt. I hated that my brain never switched off that I thought about what they were doing, if she was better than me in every department especially the sex, since she was very lets say kinky and me being a person that was sheltered was as forward in that department she had no problem sending him naked photos of herself etc telling him about bondage etc. We started seeing a poly friendly psychologist to help us work on our feelings/problems and after a few months at one of the meetings where Scott said he needed time out from both of us for a bit I said to the psychologist that I couldn't handle the relationship with his girlfriend and how it was making my life hell and I understood that he loved her and didn't want to leave and I didn't want him to do that but I was out. I couldn't emotionally deal with that crap any longer she was a two faced lying bitch who said she was poly but didn't come across as that to me. She had to know Scott's everything 24/7 and wasn't happy that she wasn't getting that. I told Scott how I felt and the fact that I couldn't handle what was going on anymore. He left for his house to have a break from both relationships and tell you that I wasn't

shit scared would be a lie. I still love him, I have yet to start trusting him again. He has lied to me so many times and kept things from me. In the end Scott left his other partner and he and I started seeing one another again.