Get me the fuck out of here

Yup I want out of everything. I am sick to my stomach of life and what it holds. I hate everything about it and everything in it so why do I persist in sticking around.. Do I hold some sick fucking hope that everything will be ok one day.. Things are never going to be ok so maybe I should grow a pair and fuck off.

What the fuck is Sex

Yep you read it I want to know what it is cause honestly Ive fucking forgot what it is and what it feels like to have it. Nearly 2 months and nothing. I've heard once your married it dries up but I thought yeah what bullshit... Now I'm fucking convinced it's right. Ive been told its cause I'm not assertive enough and I shouldn't leave it up to him but 95% of the times I get assertive or I ask its the same old crap in my face. I'm tired, I'm not feeling well... Amazingly enough (and it has been stated to me) that if he was having sex with other women we would have sex more often.. Gee don't I feel special.. to get any sex he has to have it off with other women.. he can jerk off to porn but not me.. Oh and yeah I'm not to take it personally. Whatever. Im sorry but how can I not take it personally.

I hate so much its ripping me apart

I hate and I hate the fact I feel that.. Its ripping me apart. I hate the person who is interested in Scott he thinks the sun shines out of her arse when she is just a fucking liar like so many others.. Oh she is so perfect so open and honest oh please someone choke me with the bullshit. She is a dirty great big liar she preaches how she is open and honest yet is so contradictory it isn't even funny. She says she wants to be my friend but i'm the one that has to contact her and then she goes to Scott I can't be friends with women as they play games... Whose the one playing games now. Don't tell people you want to be friends yet do nothing to create that friendship and then go around your back and say how you can't be friends with women cause of their games.. Oh and Scott thinks she is a goddess so she is always right makes me fucking sick to my stomach. And the flirting in the emails and how he wants to impress her with quotes from Anime movie.. And then trys to spout we are only friends..Bullshit!! friends that I know don't flirt with each other. How can you both be friends when you both want more go on tell me that.. You can't it isn't possible you will always cross the line even if you don't mean to. I hate it and I wish she would just piss off and screw someone else over.. Pretend to care about me and then while i'm in hospital make a move oh yeah that is so honest and open. I hate how i'm feeling inside kill me now and spare me the pain.

Why wont death take me

This is going to sound disturbing but frankly I don't give a fuck if it does its how I feel and i'm not having anyone discredit that. I want to die. I hate life, there is nothing good in my life, there is nothing to live for and nothing worth living for. Why cant death come and take me doesn't seem like to much to ask people die everyday when will I get saved and it be my day?

Business Owners - ROFL Cafe

Scott and I are in the process of establishing a business we have an ABN and a Business Name. We are looking to setting up a Internet/Gaming cafe in Melton and I'm really scared but excited at the same time. We have been to an accountant this morning and things looked positive on that end of things we have some homework to do and I'm looking forward to getting my teeth into that :)

We are also looking at going through NEIS which will also give us a buffer financially. We both start a course on Small Business Management on July 27th which gives us a Cert 4 that will be good. I also want to sign us up for a Barista course which will be handy to know as well. That will also give us a certificate.

Foster Care

Scott and I are looking into being Foster Carers for Westcare . We have done the training and are currently going through the next stage of approval.. I am quite scared I am so hoping that this works out for us :( I want to have children so badly. We are looking at doing long term placement for babies.

A bit about me Part 2 - The here and now

Scott and I moved from Essendon and got a house formally together again since we sold the house in Canberra. I have had a Gastric Bypass by a brilliant man who has saved my life in so many ways. I have lost over 80kg and still counting :) I recently had my gall bladder out which was done by the same surgeon. I'm still in pain over that one as it is pretty fresh. Scott and I aren't really doing all that well the bedroom department is null and void and when I was in hospital having the bypass done he was chatting to a woman who I thought wanted to be our friend turns out she was interested in Scott and wanted to start something with her well boy was I pissed. So currently they are friends conversing via emails I have not started trusting her again as she also has spouted lies. The one thing that has come from all of this is the fact that I can see lies now and I just cant hack them. I don't want them in my life at all. So what am I to do. I really want Scott to be happy I just don't feel happy at all these days. I don't feel special to him even though he says loves me I just don't feel it :( I need help so bad but I don't know who to trust the Poly community is so closed everyone knows everyone. Sometimes I feel like leaving as to me Scott would be better off. God I hope doing this blog thing helps me sort out what to do and how to go about doing it. All I can say is that I feel like there is no future, no happiness in the world and no hope at happiness. I cant see a silver lining anywhere.